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★·.·´¯`·.·•Whitney•·.·´¯`·.·★
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| All of us are searching... |
[10 Mar 2004|06:48am] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
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music |
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Blindside - ALl Of Us |
] |
I'm talking to Andrew. Man. I missed him so damned much. :) I'm making a webpage for him. Its going to be sucky, heh, but oh well. Like I said, I finished my other.
I almost cried with happiness when he IMed me this morning.
Ive got 5 minutes...
School is going to be fucked as useual. I got whistled at the other day :/
Man. Heh. My skirt kept blowing up too. : sigh: No more skirts at school lol
Well...I'm going to go
Ciao
snoopy**
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1 Heard.Them.Say."Poison.Hearts.Will.Never.Change." - Walk Away...
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| Sleep this time tonight.... |
[09 Mar 2004|06:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Blindside - Sleepwalking |
] |
I'm sleepy. I waited for Andrew. He never came last night. But I'm sure that I will talk to him tonight. And I already miss him like crazy. It's so weird. Man. I don't know. -= sighs happily =-. Things he says to me run through my head constantly. And I realize I can never compare him to any of my exs really. Because, he so passes them all greaty.
We have grad. exams at school this week. This means really messed up classes and such.
Jason Baker withdrew yesterday morning at 9:30. He is a very inteligent boy and I will miss him. Hopefully, we will still keep in touch through the internet :)
I made a webpage for my friends and such. Its kinna cool, but it still sucks.
I'm sitting here talking to Max. Very cool kid. I wove him.
Ryan is mad at me. He says hes in love with me. I dont want to hurt him. I like him and all, but I dont want to hurt him, or my bf. I'm so sick of hurting people. Even though Michael hurt me, I'm sure that I hurt him a lot more. But, that doesn't really matter now. I want to be friends with him again. But he is just another Tommy in my life. I don't need it. But Ryan said he thought that I felt the same way about him. I can't. Because I cant let my polyamory get the best of me.
Well, I'm out...
Ciao
Snoopy**
-= One day, this world, will see me at the horizon. One day from a distant light. Just before I stand to face my love, Ill turn around and with a smile I'll say my goodbyes. One last goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye =-
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Walk Away...
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| Okay...lets finish this. |
[05 Mar 2004|02:40pm] |
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mood |
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content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Trapt - Echo |
] |
Okay...it's time to finish what I started to talk about. I was going to do it that night and I forgot :(. Okay...so...as I was saying, when Andrew heard me pouring my soul out in tears, he logged offline. A night or so later...It was saturday. And I will say that I was drunk and stoned off my ass. Well...he Imed me saying He was sorry and I told him I still loved him, I did. Well...the next night, he IMed me again and was like Hey baby. And started to talk about coming to see me and all this crap. Well, I was like " just because I told you I loved you, doesn't mean that I forgave you." he was like "Well I forgave you, why can't you forgive me?" And I told him I'd done noting wrong. Well...we got things straghtened out. Thank god :)
Night before last, we talked. And we started to talk about some things from our past. I was watching him on webcam and he was listening to me on the mic. I started to cry from happiness he made me feel. And then, he was like " It was those tears that saved my life. " I told him about my plan to call Michael and hold a gun in my mouth and say "Hey...Listen to this." and shoot myself. His reply was...I feel so bad. Thats what I was doing that night I wanted you to look at me. I was holding a gun to my head. I started to cry so much then. And then he told me that, When he heard me cry, he realized he still loved me and he droped the gun and just started to freak out. Im so glad he didnt do anything.... :)
So, there for, we are talking again. And we are planning on how we are going to be able to see each other. And despite what others think of him, my Andrew is beautiful.
Im happy that we straightened everything out and now everything is okay. I'm still having problems at home though. But, thats life, isn't it?
Ciao
Snoopy**
-= Close my eyes. Let the whole thing pass me by, there is no time, to waste, asking why. Ill run away with you, by my side. Ill run away with you by my side. Hold me. I need to let go let go let go let go of this pride yeah until this echo echo echo echo in my mind yeah, until the echo echo echo echo will subside....me. =-
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Walk Away...
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| It's been a while and there's so much to tell.... |
[02 Mar 2004|02:50pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Nothing... |
] |
I haven't written in here for a while, and I think that it is high time that I should, ya know?
A lot of things have happened since I have written last about My Andrew and our little spat. So, heres the 411 on what happened. Heh.
After we got into it, And I talked to Max the following morning, The night after that, I recived some IMs. And low and behold, they were from Andrew. Simply stating that he loved me and that was in my past and he didn't care what I had done because he loved me so much and wanted to be with me. And I was so happy...beyond belief. That night, I recived another IM from Andrew. He was asking me why I did it? And all these things. Well, this started another fight between us. But, he told me that he thought that we had something in common and but he guessed that he was wrong because he thought that I was just a bitch and I asked him if he thought I was a whore and his answer was yes. I had never cried so much in my life and it was awful. He told me to look at him once more on webcam and I told him I couldnt stand to see him look at me with hate in his eyes. And he told me then hed smile for me one last time and I told him I didn't want it to be fake. Then, I comprimised and told him that if he would listen to me on the mic, I would watch him. By this time, I was already crying loudly and when he heard me, he loged off. Well...I only have 2 minutes and Im not finished. So, I will write the rest of this tonight.
Ciao
~Snoopy**
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Walk Away...
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| Its Only Been A Few Days... |
[24 Feb 2004|12:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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The Sounds of All My People Talking :) |
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Okay. I havent wrote in here since... I dont remember. My boyfriend is mad at me :sigh: And We have only been dating a few days. We have knwon each other for like a month and we have been telling each other we loved each other every since we met each other. Jusr something clicked and I realized that I loved him. I never felt anything so right in my life. Last night, I was watching my byofriend on Webcam and we started to talk about some things. Well, the subject of head got brought up and I told him that I had done it once before. I wasnt going to lie to him, because I loved him, ya know? And Ive already made that mistake once :(
Well when I told him yes he asked me who and when. I told him my best friend and it happened a couple of weeks ago. I saw him cry. He told me he hasnt cried in years and last night I saw him cry. He wouldnt respond when I tried to talk to him. I started to cry to. I didn't mean to hurt him, but I couldnt lie to him.
This morning I got online before I came to school and I talked to my friend Max and I told him what happened. He explained to me when a guy loves something a lot, he tend to feel like that thing has been ripped from him when he finds out something like that. And then he said well it's good that he got mad in a sense because it shows that he cares a lot about me. And then he told me to tell him that that was much in my past and that he is my future. I understood and felt a little better. So, I thank him a lot. <3 Max!!!!
Well....Im sitting here in 5th period next to Sylvia. She rox too!
I am supposed to go to a party this weekend with Ben. Essh. Im not sure about drinking around him or any other guy for that matter though :/ I dont want a repeat of Mo.
Well, I think that I'm gonna go. I'm out
CiAo
Snoopy**
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1 Heard.Them.Say."Poison.Hearts.Will.Never.Change." - Walk Away...
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| You're So Played Out... |
[22 Feb 2004|01:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
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content |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Adema - Promises |
] |
Im happy to say that I have moved on. I am in love. He is the sweetest guy I do believe I've ever known. And hes beautiful. When I get his pic put on my publishing site I will put it on here. And I couldnt be happier. We talked last night from 11:15 pm till 5:15 am. I would have talked to him longer but I had promised I would call Erik at 5 am and I totally lost track of time talking to Andrew. So...the phone rings at 5:15. I answered it..and he said "Did you forget about me?" I felt so bad. I had lost track of time. We wound up talking till about 6 am and thats when I went to bed. I woke up at 9 am and did the dishes that I promised my grandmother I would do. I went back to bed and wound up sleeping till about 2.
So...Andrew told me he would get online tonight so that we could talk on mic. but...he hasnt gotten on yet. I don't care. Ill wait for him all night if I have to. I'm sure he will be here soon :smiles:
I watched all of Save the Last Dance today for the first time. And it was a really good movie.
I really wish I could go to church in the morning but I cant because we cant leave my grandpaw here and I dont have a ride.
I'm writing all random. I dont know. Got a lot of thoughts running through my head.
But I'm so happy I found Andrew and I know that he will treat me better than Mike ever did.
Ciao
Snoopy**
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Walk Away...
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| And Ill Say Goodbye With A Smile On My Face... |
[20 Feb 2004|10:04pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Limp Bizkit - Eat You Alive |
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So...last night. I cried and cried and seriously got ready to write my suicide note over his stupid gay ass. But..after I cried myself to sleep over what happened...Wait...most people dont know what happened. Okay. This is the deal. I IM him and we are talkin and he all ups with "We can be friends anymore" and when I asked him why he said "Cause I cant be friends with someone I dont trust."
When I asked him what I lied about he told me that I lied to him for 4 years and that I never loved him and wahh wahh wahhh...I think Ill go crawl in a hole and die because you did me soooo wrong. Oh no. Well...with every relationship comes ups and downs and for 1 yr and 10 months I was stuck with downs. Constantly crying because of his stupid ass. And always complaining about how he did me and how I knew that I could do better. And how he was always to busy for me...but he couldnt take time out of his life to talk to the one he loved SOOOO much...not to even call me. But you know what...after I cried myself to sleep last night...I had a dream about him
________________________________
He was laying in my bed and I walked over to him and just stood there for a moment and we looked each other in the eyes. ANd he opened the covers for me to come in and wraped his arms around me as I put my head on his chest. I smiled and he ran his finger across my lips and i kissed it gently.
________________________________
Then I woke up. Well...today I was listening to Closure by Chevelle and I simply started to smile. I realized that Im too good for him and I deserve better than him. And I have for 4 yrs . Im too good to be friends with him even. So...a little while ago...I sent him this.
"Closure has come to me and myself...you will never belong to me..closure has come to me and myself you will never belong to me...lick a leech I hold on as if we belonged to some precious pure dream. Cast off youve seen whats beneath...Now...fail me."
And with a smile on my face told him goodbye forever. I was happy even though he seemed all pissy. Well I dont care anymore. Ive moved on :)
Im out
Ciao
Snoopy**
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Walk Away...
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| Im Trying To Forget that...Im adticed to You... |
[19 Feb 2004|12:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
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chipper |
] |
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music |
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Sum 41 - All Messed Up |
] |
Last night I talked to Andrew again. This guy I've only known a few weeks. and We had the most beautiful conversation....I think I love him....
___________
hemi200716 (1:31:23 AM): (I wish so bad I could hold you in my arms and love you and live the rest of my life with you)
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:31:55 AM): (I would like that...a lot)
hemi200716 (1:33:07 AM): (I Love you so much Whitney I don't know what to do without you I guess I'll continue my downward spiral into Hell)
hemi200716 (1:34:18 AM): I've never felt this way before I feel weird but I Like it alot
hemi200716 (1:34:47 AM): I Think I'm In Love with you
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:35:20 AM): really?
hemi200716 (1:35:26 AM): yes
hemi200716 (1:35:48 AM): I love you so much I can't explain it it's so great
hemi200716 (1:36:13 AM): I just want to spend my life with you and live it to the fullest
hemi200716 (1:39:39 AM): I'm so tired of the hate in the world I have felt Hate and I have Delt Hate I don't want a life with Hate and Pain as my Future I want to Love to be Loved and to Live for the first time in my stupid meaningless Life I've found true Happiness and it's with you Whitney I want to be with you forever your like A Love Drug for me I have to have you I must have you or I will die
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:41:42 AM): but a drug is a bad thing...and if you die without it then it will surly kill you sooner with it.
hemi200716 (1:42:09 AM): I'd reather Die with you than be alone
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:42:35 AM): And if you need someone like a drug...then you depend on them. And you are strong. Even though you may not see it you are. To go through everything youve been through and still be here. You are a strong person
hemi200716 (1:42:47 AM): Death will happen sooner or later and I want it to be in your arms
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:43:06 AM): And who wants to die alone? no one. thats my biggest fear...being alone.
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:43:35 AM): Then dont welcome it. Shove it away. For if you do you will surly bring your love and your own demise about as well.
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:43:52 AM): So, stay strong because I know you are. I can feel it.
hemi200716 (1:47:43 AM): Whitney my grandma crys at night from dreaming of her husband and stay's up and holds no one but her own arms and she can't stop thinking of him she still love's him she lives but doen't want to she stay's alive for me to raise me and to see me finish school and maybe marry that's her best wish from her to me that i will find some one that make's me feel like she did with her husband and if you died I would live but slowly die inside like a drug itself it has a dept to the consumer
hemi200716 (1:49:06 AM): At least I felt the pleasure of your love when you were there is my whole point
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:50:17 AM): you're never compleatly dead even if you die inside. Your physical being must die as well...and when it does. Thats when people notice. And love is a beautiful thing. And its a beautiful feeling. And you have to go on even if something awful happens. you have to keep fighting. But for now, if I make you stronger, than take the drug. Take the drug that loves you.
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:50:30 AM): The drug that loves you as much as you love it. And need it.
hemi200716 (1:51:33 AM): I need you I need your love to be complete to numb all the pain the world gives to live only for you
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:52:41 AM): Then if you must need me like a drug then give into your senses. For this drug wont let you bring your own demise. And what you need take it. Take me. Take all of me. For I am yours.
hemi200716 (1:54:01 AM): Thank you my dear Whitney I will take all your love in my life time's conseption
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:55:19 AM): And you are most welcome. I will be more than happy to give myself for you.
hemi200716 (1:55:49 AM): And I will give you Myself to you
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:56:04 AM): And I will take it.
hemi200716 (1:56:17 AM): *Smiles*
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:56:46 AM): :caresses your cheek: but never say youll die for me, promise?
hemi200716 (1:58:03 AM): a Promise for such a thing as that If it came to it and you wanted me to live I would live with your memory in my heart and meet you on the other side
hemi200716 (1:58:56 AM): but death will come for me shortly after i'm sure but I shall live the best i can
swirledgreeneyedrikku (1:59:33 AM): But you want me to be happy. so saying that you would die for me is like breaking my heart. and thinking that death for someone would please them. but how could I go on then, even with the memories of you?
swirledgreeneyedrikku (2:00:00 AM): And I will keep myself for you
swirledgreeneyedrikku (2:00:07 AM): And I will keep you for me
hemi200716 (2:01:08 AM): I would Die inside if you died and I would wait for death to take me to you
hemi200716 (2:01:55 AM): I would jump into the Fire's of Hell if it was your wish
swirledgreeneyedrikku (2:02:38 AM): But I would never wish such a thing. I want to keep you with me.
swirledgreeneyedrikku (2:02:47 AM): And to wish your demise would break ,e
swirledgreeneyedrikku (2:02:48 AM): *me
hemi200716 (2:03:28 AM): I Love so much Whitney I would do anything for you
swirledgreeneyedrikku (2:04:21 AM): And I you. So live and be happy. And try not to let the worries of the world build on your shoulders. Remember I love you and let that fill you
hemi200716 (2:05:45 AM): It does I want to hold you so much feel our bodies touch and souls mate I want to be at one with our bodies and souls
___________________
Well...Im going to go....:smiles:
Ciao
snoopy**
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Walk Away...
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| Its Hard to Notice...What is Passing by...with Eyes lowerd |
[17 Feb 2004|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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The Distillers - Drain the Blood |
] |
I'm sick of school as of now. I'm sick of being refered to as a ho. When I'm not really...at all...anything of the sort. I mean come on. 65% of Brewer's senior and jr girls are pregnant and just because I sucked someone off, I'm a ho? I don't think so. Well...I dont know. I dont know what to talk about anymore.
I was talking to Ryan today online at school. And I told him that he could call me because Id be home in an hour. And he said...
"You've changed....." and signed off. It really hurt my feelings. :sigh:
I dont have a lot to write about today. I might be changing and I feel Im spiraling downward into the worse...
Im out
Ciao
snoopy*
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Walk Away...
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| Boredom... |
[15 Feb 2004|11:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Do As Infinty - Furi Mori |
] |
I'm extreamly bored. :sigh: And welp...there is nothing really to do. Today...was boring. I'm waiting for Erik. I want to talk to him tonight. He makes me smile. Which a lot of people cant do now days...
Let me just say I'm angry with Lucas. Leave it at that..
I'm out
ciao
snoopy**
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Walk Away...
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| Bloody Valentines Day... |
[14 Feb 2004|07:23pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
] |
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music |
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AFI - Silver and Cold |
] |
I hate Valentines Day. With a passion. I'm always alone. And it sucks. But, oh well. I talked to Jason tonight. I still like him, a lot. But, I don't know. :sigh: Things are really weird right now.
I think that I'm going to call Alex tonight...wish him Bloody Valentines Day. Mike went out tonight, so I wont be talking to him.
I got some people some Valentines Day gifts. I'm going to go look for some roses tomorrow so I can give them to some people Monday. :/ I might get a dozen and give them out to people at school Moday. But I got something for Ben, Jon, and Ashley. :)
Wal*mart was packed and there weren't hardly any gifts or roses. So, I think we are going to try the other one...Maybe..And look for some things.
My grandpaw comes home tomorrow. Its going to be weird seeing him lay there in bed everyday...and not be able to speak. And how can I talk to him? All we did before was fuss and yell at each other. So, I don't know what to talk about to someone who I know can hear me, but can't speak back :/
It's really weird.
I talked to Erik last night. I just met him a few weeks ago. Hes really an awesome person. :) We talked for a while last night. I got off the phone with him at 2:15 am and then went straight to bed. I slept till 3 pm. Heh. I dont know why. I woke up with a headache.
I wrote a poem today. Ill post it in here.
_________________
Cinders...
I stumbled out of the door today,
And watched the scenes go into a fray.
I was no longer safe at home,
And no more safer alone.
I stumbled out into the open,
For hopes that I could go back in.
You can always remember, but never go back,
And it seems all your memories make you lose track.
I stumbled into a new sense of security,
A new sense of something to unfamiler to me.
And now all the lights swirl,
And now all my emotions twirl.
It seems that I'm losing sanity,
But I guess this is growing up for me.
Things were much different back then,
Before my innocence was torn from me, in relative spins.
And things will be much different today,
When youth-vs-age comes into play.
I stumbled from childhood, even though I'm still a child,
Right into maturity, even though I lack it in mild.
I stumbled through the doorway,
Right through the words of childhoods play.
And stumble through life I may,
But I'm just now growing up today.
And even though,
I still have an awful long way to go,
Maturity got to me,
Before my childhood fantisies could be unleashed.
But this is what happens in a twisted home,
This is what happens when you feel alone.
And even though I act tough,
Well, I guess this is growing up.
_________________
Well...I dont have anything else to say
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Walk Away...
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| Simply and Plainly...I love you. |
[12 Feb 2004|06:49am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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AFI - The Leaving Song |
] |
It's Valentines Day in 2 days. And I'm still planning on what to do about Mike. :sigh: I'm so emotionaly unstable at this point. And it's starting to freak me out. I have 20 minutes before school starts and I just feel like blah. It's really awful.
I have on a sweater and a jacket and I'm still cold at this point. :/
I slept last night. From 12:30 till 6:30. The most I've slept in 2 weeks or more. And it was nice. Very nice. And even though with all the bs going on...It took some friends to help me realize whats really wrong with me. But, can I change that? I don't think so...not now anyways. Because, right now, I'll use what I have to as a front to hold what truly truly hurts me inside...which plays a role as well. My arm still hurts, a lot. And since then, for some reason, people at school have been touching my arm :/ I haven't told but a few people about it. And that only because I know how some would react. And it wasn't like I was trying to kill myself, but I faced a harsh bit of reality. And I do rememeber trying to die. Long before. Which I hope I never have another emotional fit that will lead to that kind of thing again.
It's really weird...whats going on now. And I dont know. I still have emotions that it seems hard for me to quite place a finger on at the moment. Which leads me back to why I'm so emotionaly unstable. And well...I haven't slept since I left Mike. And I'm suffering in school horribly because of it. I need something to keep me going through school everyday.
Well, I'm gonna go
Ciao....
Snoopy**
|
1 Heard.Them.Say."Poison.Hearts.Will.Never.Change." - Walk Away...
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| Nothing from Nowhere...I'm No One At All... |
[10 Feb 2004|10:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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AFI - The Beginning |
] |
Ive already written once today. Don't know why I'm doing it again. Heh. I'm sitting here talking to Michael and Shabbs.
Great great bois!
Well...I really dont have a lot to say except...
I miss Mike. I would beg for him on my knees. And Valentines Day, I want to do something special. And I know he reads this. So if I decide to do something Ill make it a friends only post!!!
:) <3
H
O
L
L
A
Luv,
Snoopy**
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Walk Away...
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| Haven't Written In A While... |
[10 Feb 2004|05:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
AFI - Silver and Cold |
] |
I haven't written in about a week. 6 days. I've been going through so much here lately. It's really been hard on me. So...lets talk about it.
--My sister has been gone for over a week. She is on drugs and having an affair with a cop. She hasn't even been home to see her daughter who turned 6 the 3rd. She is running drugs and doing crystal meth. The other day her boyfriend (well ex now) said that he found things in their daughters bathroom. Things she had used to burn her drugs on...etc. She had an affair before that with some other guy. She has stolen checks from us and wrote over $3000 in forged checks. As of now she has 41 felonys against her. I hate her right now...I really do. And when I do see her, I plan on beating her ass.
--The 8th Would have been my Mothers 49th birthday. She died Feb 5, 1995. I miss her so much. Last night I went into a deep what seemed to me a trance. I cried and cried and cut my right arm to hell and back with a razorblade. It hurts really badly now, but felt very nice at the time.
--I fear the Michael is going to move on and forget me. I do love him, but if the feelings I feel for him aren't mutual...then why should I feel them? If he does move on...I will forget him...Ill make myself. :)
--I haven't slept in 2 weeks basicly. I have either not slept at all or slept a few hours. In which I go to school and suffer misserably because of it. I sleep through almost all my classes and then I have no idea what I'm doing...so, I'm failing. I think I have a sleep disorder.
Well...I'm sitting here talking to Ryan. Which is like the greatest guy ever...He rox. Heh. I think I'm gonna get off here so he can call me or something.
Im still playing with the layout...
ciao...
Snoopy**
|
Walk Away...
|
| You Suffocate.... |
[04 Feb 2004|06:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
blink 182 - I miss you |
] |
Welp. Things have sucked these past few days. I'm sitting here freezing my ass off. Heh. Welp. I got a digital camera and I guess I should put a lot of the pics I took in here since I told every one I would. Ya know? There are pics of me and all my people as well. So....I hope yall like this Bs. It took forever to get em all on my hosting site
( Read more... )
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Walk Away...
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